J'ai tant rêvé de toi
by missmcweir
Summary: A very exhausted Rodney tries poetry to settle down...and yet finds further disturbances. McWeir, renamed and waiting to be read...


_Summary_: Rodney finds out something about his relationship to Elizabeth with the aid of poetry – McWeir obviously.

_Disclaimer_: I do not own neither Stargate Atlantis nor the poems of Robert Desnos, though I'd very much wish I would.

_Author's note_: I just found this poem again, and thought it offers some very good explanations for Rodney's behaviour. I left it in it's original language, if just for the sound of the words (and Rodney should understand it, being Canadian _and_ a genius) – for those of you who don't read French, I'll translate it in the story parts, though I cannot promise that it will be a very good translation….apologies!

Enough said, before this gets longer than the actual story: ENJOY! (And let me know what you think!)

I dreamt of you so much

This had been pretty surreal. Even for a day in a foreign galaxy, where the term "normal" already had become the equivalent to the terrestrial term " very amazing, strange and possibly dangerous", this had been extraordinary, Rodney McKay thought as he was on his way to his lab, holding a fresh cup of coffee and a well-worn book. A book Major John Sheppard had basically forced him to borrow. Already the major connecting to books was surreal. It being a poetry volume increased the surrealism. It being written in French made it improbable. It being _relationship advice_ from the Major in form of a _book_ containing _French poetry_ was almost going beyond imagination. Yet, here he was standing in front of his lab, standing with said book, and said cup of coffee, and followed the sudden idea not to enter his lab, but to go directly to his quarters. After all, the Major had told him very earnestly to read this book and consider a few things concerning his relationships. Whichever _relationships_ he meant. Rodney had the slight suspicion that the major mainly referred to a particular relationship, the one to their leader and boss. Though, it wasn't really existent in the narrow interpretation of the term. Still, he hadn't believed that _it, the_ affection, friendship, had been that obvious. Entering his quarters, he retired on his bed after carefully having placed the mug on the nightstand. Kicking off his shoes, and pushing his cushion behind his back, he sat down and took up the book. He looked at the cover, the old linen beginning to look shabby and the imprinted gold letters slightly disappearing. Wondering why on earth the major brought this book with him, he opened it and found a dedication on the first page, which read: "John, l'eternité peut être loin, mais toujours plus prêt que tu crois…..et je serais là. Aurélie". "John, eternity might be far, but it is always closer than you think…and I will be there. Aurélie", Rodney translated for himself, wondering about how she was and why she had given this book to the Major. He then started to browse the poems, merely reading the titles, until a line caught his attention. _J'ai tant rêvé de toi_ _De Robert Desnos_ Rodney started to read the rather short poem, thinking about the person he had dreamt so much of…

_J'ai tant rêvé de toi que tu perds ta réalité.  
Est-il encore temps d'atteindre ce corps vivant  
Et de baiser sur cette bouche la naissance  
De la voix qui m'est chère?_

"I dreamt of you so much that you lose your reality. Is there still the time to reach this living body and to kiss on this mouth the birth of the voice I love so much?" The soft melody of the language kept his attention and the meaning even more – did he not fear that the real Elizabeth would in fact be so much different from what he dreamt her to be? The endless minutes he had spent imagining her, imaging to listen to her voice turning soft, leaving the leader behind and finally turning into the woman he loved?

_J'ai tant rêvé de toi que mes bras habitués  
En étreignant ton ombre  
A se croiser sur ma poitrine ne se plieraient pas  
Au contour de ton corps, peut-être.  
Et que, devant l'apparence réelle de ce qui me hante  
Et me gouverne depuis des jours et des années,  
Je deviendrais une ombre sans doute.  
O balances sentimentales._

"I dreamt of you so much that my arms used to embrace your shadow whilst crossing on my chest maybe would not fold around the form of your body, maybe. And that, in front of the real appearance of her who has haunted me and governed me for days and years, I would become a shadow, for sure. Oh, sentimental balance." Rodney was stunned; the dawn of realization showed him his worst fear in the words of a man he never knew. Maybe his actions would be wrong, maybe HE would be wrong, maybe he simply had imagined too much… He feared that if she really would be his one day, he would faint to a shadow, pale against her vivacity because she would be so much more than he could ever be.

_J'ai tant rêvé de toi qu'il n'est plus temps  
Sans doute que je m'éveille.  
Je dors debout, le corps exposé  
A toutes les apparences de la vie  
Et de l'amour et toi, la seule  
qui compte aujourd'hui pour moi,  
Je pourrais moins toucher ton front  
Et tes lèvres que les premières lèvres  
et le premier front venu._

"I dreamt of you so much that there will be no time, for sure, when I am waking up. I sleep standing, the body exposed to all appearances of life and of love and of you, the only who is counting for me today, I could less touch your lips and your forehead, than the first lips and the first forehead which come." Rodney realised that he was crying. It didn't matter. Upon this discovery and confrontation, tears were the only weapon to fight the dark shadows of fear floating over his mind. Would he ever be able to recover if he had her and she left? He felt that it would be so much easier to find someone else, someone he did not care about, because the thought of loosing her would be too much to find a start. All the some ones were replaceable, as was he, but she would never be….

_J'ai tant rêvé de toi, tant marché, parlé,  
Couché avec ton fantôme  
Qu'il ne me reste plus peut-être,  
Et pourtant, qu'a être fantôme  
Parmi les fantômes et plus ombre  
Cent fois que l'ombre qui se promène  
Et se promènera allègrement  
Sur le cadran solaire de ta vie_

"I dreamt so much of you, walked so much, talked, slept with your phantom that, maybe, nothing is left for me than, and yet, to be a phantom among the phantoms, and more shadow, hundred times the shadow which promenades happily on the solar frame of your life." He sighed. Being a shadow around her would still allow him to be near, and even if he had to share her, he would still be with her. His life would change, the dreams would go, become reality, but if he would be able to withstand any change… he did not know. Maybe he was too weak. He feared risking any change in the current situation, lest it might become even worse. At the moment, he could at least dream. Any change might even take that opportunity – and what could be worse than to lose the only person worth thinking about without even having the right to lose her? He closed the book and rolled on the side, bitter tears floating. He was weak; he never would be brave enough to attempt to change the situation. Rather remaining the coward he was, than to risk. The coward he had been, was, would ever be. Nothing else.

Nothing would ever change and he knew that. He never would mean anything to her, nothing more than the acquaintance, maybe friend, team member…. But nothing personal. He would never be more than a shadow she unconsciously would wipe away…. Tears kept floating, and the whole endlessness of his situation was so clear, just so clear….desésperé, desésperé, desésperé, the word returned into his thoughts and cut all fine strings of hope he had build up in the last months… nothing would change that despair.

"Rodney, are you there? Please let me in, I need to talk to you…" her voice, not less desperate, called from outside his quarters….


End file.
